We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
