i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
