Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
