her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
