It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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