Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
is it fun? or sober?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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