Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
