You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
