Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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