I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
