Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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