Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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