Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
