I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
