If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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