Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
