Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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