im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
