Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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