I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
