I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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