Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
