did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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