She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
