i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
