i already hear my dad disowning me
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
