I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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