I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
