i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
