is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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