If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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