Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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