I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
