Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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