I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
