I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
did i just pee glitter
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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