I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
