I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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