Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
