I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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