the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
