If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
