So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
