don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
