so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
