It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize