I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
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she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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