we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
