i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
