is your mom at the bar?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
