Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
