apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
