piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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