It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
