just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
