New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
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Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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