Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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