this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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