Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
